Beef, it's what's for dinner. . .

and breakfast, and lunch, and mid-morning snack, and maybe afternoon snack, and possibly if I get up in the middle of the night. . . Good lord, hormones are fun. . .

Not EXACTLY A Pretty Good Year

Man, we were so hoping this was going to go well. So far, not really so good, and January isn't even over yet. . .

I just got a note from my insurance telling me that my therapist that I ADORE won't be on their lists starting March 1. Bleh. I'm not sure I can afford her without insurance. . .

Oh, and then the powers that be decided that the bosses around the company need to have a staff meeting regarding BUDGET in about 10 minutes. LOVELY. I asked if I could sit in on it, and the big boss said that was fine. Actually he said he didn't care, but not in the "I could give a flying flip about you", actually in the "sure, do whatever you want to" kinda way. I like that about him, along with a bunch of other things.

Little boss got back on Monday, and he's had me running. No more slacking off for me!!! It's a bit stressful, but it keeps me moving and the days go faster, which is nice.

At least last night I was productive. I figured I was just going to go home and go to sleep, since I haven't been keeping my CPAP mask on all night lately, so I'm pretty wiped out, but I ended up making a necklace for a friends birthday and watching Criminal Intent. I do love that show, and miss the Sunday night time slot when I would watch it and do laundry. . . Times change, all around, I guess.

Now, I'm just gonna hope that the pain in my neck isn't disk blown out the OTHER side from the first time. . . It's just a knot, it's just a knot, it's just a knot, I just need a massage, I just need a massage, I just need a massage. . . :)

God Bless the Therapists

Specifically, MY therapist. Woman is a miracle worker, so far as I'm concerned. I've been wallowing in this pit of despair and self-hate for a week and a half (I know, might not seem long to some folks, but when it effects how I deal with EVERYTHING, it's serious). So, I tell her about it, she decided that maybe some EMDR is in order. I'd never done it before, but she had talked about it. I feel so much better. I have no idea what it does or how it does it, but I feel like I can handle my life again, well, as good as I did 2 weeks ago. . .

Rhetorical Question. . .

How the FUCK is it, that one thing happens and I go running down the fucking rabbit hole to self-hate and anger? And then I'm smart enough to go FIND THINGS from the past (2 fucking years, it's been 2 fucking years, and I can't get over it, and it wasn't that bad of a thing) that make me feel even more worthless and unloveable. WHEEEEE! I guess finding out that your boss thinks that your jobs might not be around much longer will kinda push you in the self-abuse direction.

Hell's Bells

There's nothing like your big boss making odd, "I'm in pain" kinda noises in their office, and then getting on the floor, and just kinda grunting a bit, and then you go ask them what's up and they tell you to get the itty bitty bottle out of their briefcase. When you finally find it, IT'S NITROGLYCERINE!!! HELLOOOOO HEART ISSUES!!!! DAMN!

Would have been nice to know that. Had he SAID SOMETHING when he decided he needed to be on the floor!! I figured it was just that he threw his back out or something. BUT NOOOOOOOO!!! Has to be pain going down his left arm. And he damn well left to GO HOME!!!! He's supposed to call me when he gets there. If I don't hear from him by the top of the hour, I'm calling his wife. I asked him if he had told her what had happened. NOPE! SHIT, MAN!!! Probably doesn't want her freaking out like I am right now. Well, she'd probably be worse, but who knows. She seems like the kind that would be pretty level headed.

FUCK!!! fuckfuckfuckFuckFUCK!!!! That's just scarier than HELL!

30 minutes later:

Big boss just called. He made it home. I'm still worried, but there isn't much I can do about that now.

nervous

there's nothing to make you more cranky and irritable around the holidays than when your boss comes out of their office and says something like "I don't know if I want to work here anymore." Talk about getting nervous for your job, again. . .

Yukky

Weather sucks today. Granted, we don't have it nearly as bad as the rest of the country. At least it's not freezing here (today). It was 60 degrees in my office yesterday. IN THE OFFICE!!!! I finally called the buildings guys and they said they would come back up today to double check on it. Too bad it was in the 40's yesterday and going to be somewhere close to 70 today. Makes a difference inside.

Didn't get crap done last night. Maybe because I was cold all day and it was rainy, but I was in a most craptacular mood last night. Didn't want to do ANYTHING. So, I went home, took a nap, got up, took my pills and read some smut. Nice way to spend an evening.