Got Medieval: And You Thought Tomatoes Were Dangerous...

Got Medieval: And You Thought Tomatoes Were Dangerous...

"Lettuce. It's not just boring. It's a threat to your immortal soul."

*snerk* *snort*

Missing you. . .

Sandwiches, especially burgers, just aren't right without tomatoes!!!

that' not a migraine!!!

That's FUCKING viral meningitis!!!

emergency room

Its 12:10 in the morning on s thursday and I just sat through one of my best friends getting a spinal tap. Not anything I ever want to do again. I wish that I didn't have such a hard time with actual medical proceedures, but I ended up with that adrenaline rush that almost had me passed out. Both of us were green. She's passed out again from the second round of pain killer theygave her. The demerol didn't do much good, so they went to dilaudid (at least that's what I think it was.
She called me at 6:20 this afternoon and I couldn't understand her because she was sobbing. I thought something had happened to one of her cats, but she was in pain. Got my heart racing and had me pretty well FREAKED!!! Got to her place, got her loaded into the car and drove like a bat out of hell to the er.
Finally after one of the nursed mentioned it, I realized its probably a migraine. I guess we need to make sure she gets to a neurologist, cause she has NO pain threshold what-so-ever. Glad I had that coke around 10!

Pollen Borg

Im sitting here at my desk, on the 9th floor of the building, facing out the window, when some weather blows in. I'm thinking maybe it's a dust storm. I've seen those come through before, it's really odd to watch. But as this yellow cloud moves closer, I realize, it's not dust. The wind is whipping the pollen off of the freaking oak trees. It's a HUGE cloud of oak pollen, and it's only getting bigger as it goes along. I'm watching the trees start waving in the wind, and then all of the sudden, a denser yellow cloud makes is way from the tree to join the rest of the crowd. I don't know if maybe there is something in the trees that says "hey, they are pollinating, I should too!" or if it was just the way the wind was blowing, but I swear, it happened sequentially through the trees. (does that even make sense?) Yeah, I think it's time for food. . . But that means I have to go out there. . .

What's Up

I went to see my therapist Thursday, and we are going to be seeing each other weekly for a while, until I can kind of get a handle on this. I took Tuesday afternoon off of work, I just couldn't be there any more, and then I took Friday off, just about the same reason. But I did actually go see Dr. Brain (I'm stealing that from Just Me, it makes sense) on Friday, like the shrink recommended. We are upping my Paxil again, at least until I get the above mentioned handle. I also got a haircut and a 2 hour massage. Can't really shake a stick at that. Mom and Big Boss both brought up moving back to the hometown, but I really, REALLY don't want to do that. There are more jobs there with my company, but I have my life here, my whole support structure, all of my friends and drs. out the wazoo. I've been here 11 years and I love this town, so I'm not planning on leaving anytime soon. Big Boss took me into his office this week and said that as things start to fall into place and he knows what's actually going to happen that he will let me know what he does. That helped. He also said that he's going to be talking to people to help find me another job. That's a huge help, but I'm still scared shitless. I really want to get out of legal. I don't want to go to a law firm, I don't want to move to another legal department in the company, I'm done. I need something new. I'm bored out of my mind where I am. I think it's giving me too much time to think.

I've decided I need to print out a list of all the pills I take every day, laminate it, and keep it in my wallet. I can't remember any more what I'm taking and what the doses are, there are just too many. Now, if I could just lose 100 lbs, I wouldn't have that many to take. Good luck with that one.

Oh, dear LORD will it ever stop

So, I'm not too happy with life right now. Doesn't help that my moods are pretty much controlled by whatever everyone around me is feeling. The big boss is going to leave, we just don't know when. There is no way in HELL that I will work for the little boss (a printer wouldn't print out what he sent to it, so he had me check it. He could have checked it himself faster and found out IT JUST FUCKING NEEDED PAPER!). I'm hoping that this other job works out. It looks like it would be interesting, but for now, I'm kind of dangling in the wind, which makes me not want to do a single damn thing. I've pretty much been depressed all week, all I do when I get home is crawl into bed and read, take a nap, get up, watch a little bit of tv, figure out what's for dinner, and go back to bed. Wheeee. So long as I don't actually have to think about anything, seems I'm doing good. Otherwise, I'm a mess. I went to lunch yesterday, ate way too much, and realized as I sat there that I really, REALLY didn't want to go back to the office. It had dawned on me, clear as a bell, that I'm depressed. So, I basically spend the rest of the day feeling like I wanted to throw up. Felt the same way today. I really hate throwing up, but if I'm having a panic attack, that's usually what I do. I haven't had one in a long time, but I have this feeling that I might. I don't want to be aorund my friends, I don't want to be at work, I just want to be at home, in bed, not thinking about anything that has to relate to my life. I haven't called in sick to work yet, but I think about it every day.

Not really that uncomfortable

So, um, yeah, that thing that I was bitching about down there with the weather and the A/C not working and all that. Well, we got a "cold front" in last night. Yeah, um, got rather cool. Now, I put cold front in quotes, because it will be in the 40's tonight, and most folks who may read this are probably north of the Red River and not sympathizing with me in the least. They have SNOW, which we almost never get down here. I'm still not sure about the A/C, I'll have to check it later.

Big boss is out all week, but little boss is here. Granted, I'm only at work today and tomorrow, so I can't complain too much. heh. . . :)

Disturbing Headline of the Day

Man hits woman on his way to anger management class

DAAY-UM!

It's Too LATE!!!

By that, I mean it's almost 1:30 in the morning, and I have to be up in less than 5 hours for work, and I'm really not great on less than 8 hours of sleep and I can't seem to GET THERE!!! Spent this weekend working on my apartment. I've been here for almost 6 months and I still didn't have anything on the walls and still had several boxes left to figure out where the hell to put the contents. So, my bud, the Divine Miss M came over and "supervised" for most of the weekend. You have NO idea how much I appreciate that, because I wouldn't have done shit had she not been here. But I got boxes emptied, and I was actually able to run the new Roomba in the living room (damn, those things pick up LOTS of stuff you didn't even know was there. . .), and the laundry is done, I just have to finish getting stuff on the walls and figure out where the hell to put the crafty crap that's floating around the craft room. THAT'S gonna be fun. But I've decided to have a get together over here this next Saturday, and I've invited all my friends, and this place has GOT to look good before then. Nothing like that kind of prompting to make you move your ass!!!

Thank gawd the weather was nice today, as the A/C here didn't seem to want to cool. It's been sitting at around 80 in my apartment all day, and for a fat girl who is trying to clean up, that gets really uncomfortable really fucking quickly. I dug into the A/C unit tonight to see if maybe it was that the filter needed changing or something of the sort, but it seems that somewhere along the line the sucker froze up. There was ice on it. Uh, WHOOPS! So, I've let it sit for a while and hopefully it will work when I turn it back on. I don't care how nice the temperature is here right now, and a nice 70 degrees, at 120% humidity, it's fucking MISERABLE!!! So, maybe the temp in my apartment will lower a bit now. I can hope. Maybe that will help me get to sleep. Maybe I should just think about filing things here in the crafty crap room. That will probably help me nod off. . .

Boys, look the other way

Unless, of course, you don't mind reading about girlie bits.

Anyway, so I seem to have this way of figuring out when I'm either ovulating or PMS'ing. I do believe it's more of the middle of the month type thing. I start looking at men like they were the side of beef I was so craving a week or so ago. I realize that I start looking at the guys around me, thinking who is cute, who isn't, who is interesting, who isn't, who I wouldn't mind spending an extended, extended, extended amount of time with, and who I would just like to club over the head and take home to keep on a tether in my bedroom. Just Mother Natures subtle hint for procreation. I've nixed that idea, totally, but I wouldn't mind the, ahem, activities.

Anybody else notice this at all, or am I just nuts? (oh, wait, that goes without saying.)

So far, so good

Okay, saw the therapist, and she says she's working on getting recertified for my insurance. I'm hoping that comes through, because they did the same thing with my group therapy and never recertified them, and I had to pay for it out of my pocket until I quit going sometime last year. I really, really, REALLY hope it actually goes the way it's supposed to and I can still see her on insurance. . .

You know. . .

You know you may be in too much of a therapy frame of mind, when you are typing in case names and one of them happens to be XXX Enameling Co. and all you read is Enabling.

Beef, it's what's for dinner. . .

and breakfast, and lunch, and mid-morning snack, and maybe afternoon snack, and possibly if I get up in the middle of the night. . . Good lord, hormones are fun. . .

Not EXACTLY A Pretty Good Year

Man, we were so hoping this was going to go well. So far, not really so good, and January isn't even over yet. . .

I just got a note from my insurance telling me that my therapist that I ADORE won't be on their lists starting March 1. Bleh. I'm not sure I can afford her without insurance. . .

Oh, and then the powers that be decided that the bosses around the company need to have a staff meeting regarding BUDGET in about 10 minutes. LOVELY. I asked if I could sit in on it, and the big boss said that was fine. Actually he said he didn't care, but not in the "I could give a flying flip about you", actually in the "sure, do whatever you want to" kinda way. I like that about him, along with a bunch of other things.

Little boss got back on Monday, and he's had me running. No more slacking off for me!!! It's a bit stressful, but it keeps me moving and the days go faster, which is nice.

At least last night I was productive. I figured I was just going to go home and go to sleep, since I haven't been keeping my CPAP mask on all night lately, so I'm pretty wiped out, but I ended up making a necklace for a friends birthday and watching Criminal Intent. I do love that show, and miss the Sunday night time slot when I would watch it and do laundry. . . Times change, all around, I guess.

Now, I'm just gonna hope that the pain in my neck isn't disk blown out the OTHER side from the first time. . . It's just a knot, it's just a knot, it's just a knot, I just need a massage, I just need a massage, I just need a massage. . . :)

God Bless the Therapists

Specifically, MY therapist. Woman is a miracle worker, so far as I'm concerned. I've been wallowing in this pit of despair and self-hate for a week and a half (I know, might not seem long to some folks, but when it effects how I deal with EVERYTHING, it's serious). So, I tell her about it, she decided that maybe some EMDR is in order. I'd never done it before, but she had talked about it. I feel so much better. I have no idea what it does or how it does it, but I feel like I can handle my life again, well, as good as I did 2 weeks ago. . .

Rhetorical Question. . .

How the FUCK is it, that one thing happens and I go running down the fucking rabbit hole to self-hate and anger? And then I'm smart enough to go FIND THINGS from the past (2 fucking years, it's been 2 fucking years, and I can't get over it, and it wasn't that bad of a thing) that make me feel even more worthless and unloveable. WHEEEEE! I guess finding out that your boss thinks that your jobs might not be around much longer will kinda push you in the self-abuse direction.