What's Up

I went to see my therapist Thursday, and we are going to be seeing each other weekly for a while, until I can kind of get a handle on this. I took Tuesday afternoon off of work, I just couldn't be there any more, and then I took Friday off, just about the same reason. But I did actually go see Dr. Brain (I'm stealing that from Just Me, it makes sense) on Friday, like the shrink recommended. We are upping my Paxil again, at least until I get the above mentioned handle. I also got a haircut and a 2 hour massage. Can't really shake a stick at that. Mom and Big Boss both brought up moving back to the hometown, but I really, REALLY don't want to do that. There are more jobs there with my company, but I have my life here, my whole support structure, all of my friends and drs. out the wazoo. I've been here 11 years and I love this town, so I'm not planning on leaving anytime soon. Big Boss took me into his office this week and said that as things start to fall into place and he knows what's actually going to happen that he will let me know what he does. That helped. He also said that he's going to be talking to people to help find me another job. That's a huge help, but I'm still scared shitless. I really want to get out of legal. I don't want to go to a law firm, I don't want to move to another legal department in the company, I'm done. I need something new. I'm bored out of my mind where I am. I think it's giving me too much time to think.

I've decided I need to print out a list of all the pills I take every day, laminate it, and keep it in my wallet. I can't remember any more what I'm taking and what the doses are, there are just too many. Now, if I could just lose 100 lbs, I wouldn't have that many to take. Good luck with that one.

Oh, dear LORD will it ever stop

So, I'm not too happy with life right now. Doesn't help that my moods are pretty much controlled by whatever everyone around me is feeling. The big boss is going to leave, we just don't know when. There is no way in HELL that I will work for the little boss (a printer wouldn't print out what he sent to it, so he had me check it. He could have checked it himself faster and found out IT JUST FUCKING NEEDED PAPER!). I'm hoping that this other job works out. It looks like it would be interesting, but for now, I'm kind of dangling in the wind, which makes me not want to do a single damn thing. I've pretty much been depressed all week, all I do when I get home is crawl into bed and read, take a nap, get up, watch a little bit of tv, figure out what's for dinner, and go back to bed. Wheeee. So long as I don't actually have to think about anything, seems I'm doing good. Otherwise, I'm a mess. I went to lunch yesterday, ate way too much, and realized as I sat there that I really, REALLY didn't want to go back to the office. It had dawned on me, clear as a bell, that I'm depressed. So, I basically spend the rest of the day feeling like I wanted to throw up. Felt the same way today. I really hate throwing up, but if I'm having a panic attack, that's usually what I do. I haven't had one in a long time, but I have this feeling that I might. I don't want to be aorund my friends, I don't want to be at work, I just want to be at home, in bed, not thinking about anything that has to relate to my life. I haven't called in sick to work yet, but I think about it every day.

Not really that uncomfortable

So, um, yeah, that thing that I was bitching about down there with the weather and the A/C not working and all that. Well, we got a "cold front" in last night. Yeah, um, got rather cool. Now, I put cold front in quotes, because it will be in the 40's tonight, and most folks who may read this are probably north of the Red River and not sympathizing with me in the least. They have SNOW, which we almost never get down here. I'm still not sure about the A/C, I'll have to check it later.

Big boss is out all week, but little boss is here. Granted, I'm only at work today and tomorrow, so I can't complain too much. heh. . . :)

Disturbing Headline of the Day

Man hits woman on his way to anger management class

DAAY-UM!

It's Too LATE!!!

By that, I mean it's almost 1:30 in the morning, and I have to be up in less than 5 hours for work, and I'm really not great on less than 8 hours of sleep and I can't seem to GET THERE!!! Spent this weekend working on my apartment. I've been here for almost 6 months and I still didn't have anything on the walls and still had several boxes left to figure out where the hell to put the contents. So, my bud, the Divine Miss M came over and "supervised" for most of the weekend. You have NO idea how much I appreciate that, because I wouldn't have done shit had she not been here. But I got boxes emptied, and I was actually able to run the new Roomba in the living room (damn, those things pick up LOTS of stuff you didn't even know was there. . .), and the laundry is done, I just have to finish getting stuff on the walls and figure out where the hell to put the crafty crap that's floating around the craft room. THAT'S gonna be fun. But I've decided to have a get together over here this next Saturday, and I've invited all my friends, and this place has GOT to look good before then. Nothing like that kind of prompting to make you move your ass!!!

Thank gawd the weather was nice today, as the A/C here didn't seem to want to cool. It's been sitting at around 80 in my apartment all day, and for a fat girl who is trying to clean up, that gets really uncomfortable really fucking quickly. I dug into the A/C unit tonight to see if maybe it was that the filter needed changing or something of the sort, but it seems that somewhere along the line the sucker froze up. There was ice on it. Uh, WHOOPS! So, I've let it sit for a while and hopefully it will work when I turn it back on. I don't care how nice the temperature is here right now, and a nice 70 degrees, at 120% humidity, it's fucking MISERABLE!!! So, maybe the temp in my apartment will lower a bit now. I can hope. Maybe that will help me get to sleep. Maybe I should just think about filing things here in the crafty crap room. That will probably help me nod off. . .